What am I doing here?

Los Angeles. The City of Angels. A place where dreams are made, and so often broken. I landed here at LAX for the first time when I was 19, with a heart full of dreams and a suitcase full of Vegemite. I had my shit together, and I was a fully responsible adult. I was excited about commencing my very first ‘pilot season,’ a time in which thousands of actors from all around the globe come to LA in the hopes of booking a job. Countless times I have been in a situation where I’ve thought, “This is it. This is my break. My life’s going to change and I’m going to have everything I’ve ever hoped for. Holy. Fucking. Shit.”

And then reality comes knocking on my door. I’ve been told I’m too young for a role, too old for a role, not original enough, not ditzy enough, not ethnic enough, and not famous enough. Sometimes, when you get feedback like “you were the directors favourite, but you just aren’t Asian enough,” it feels as though all your hopes and dreams just hopped on a bus to Mexico with no return ticket.

Cracking into the industry in LA is, quite literally, like trying to crack into a nutshell with your bare hands – pretty close to impossible. And yet here I am. I would LOVE to tell you that I’m writing this blog because I’m inspired, and that things are going swimmingly, and that I’m on a one way track to success. The truth though? The truth is that really, there is fuck all for me to do most days. A lot of people assume being an actress in LA is this amazing glamorous thing, which sometimes, it is. But most of the time, the reality is that I’m flat broke, and my days consist mainly of deciding which neighbourhood I should walk around to fill the time. These are the days when the question of what I am doing here really hits me like a brick wall to the face. I came here to be an actor. I came here to share my creativity and work with like-minded people on projects that inspire me. And yet here I am, spending another day wondering – what the fuck am I doing here?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s